The Legoland Times

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17 April 2008

Government Will Not Negotiate With Al-Kyeda 'Terrorists'

The Government of Legoland have slammed reports that they are willing to pay for the release of the two LRG soldiers being held by the Al-Kyeda terror group. The General Secretary of the Legoland Imperial Republic, Mr Obnoxious Consensus, said that this suggestion was "unhelpful" and "a load of rubbish". Mr Consensus accused the tabloid media of printing "anything to sell papers". Announcing the formation of a new secret police force, the State Technocrat Armed Militarian Police group A (STAMPA), Mr Consensus expressed his desire to see all minifigs involved in outlawed organised anti-government groups arrested and "liquidated".

The STAMPA will have far-reaching powers which have worried some independent minifig rights groups and watchdogs. The organisation will be allowed to arrest and imprision those minifigs indefinitely simply under suspicion of anti-state activities. Whether or not the organisation can secure the release of the captured soldiers, named as Onus Scriptus and Hideous Conscriptus - both of Army Group South, however, remains unknown. No further contact has been received from Al-Kyeda since their video release on Sunday which warned that the two minifigs would be executed on Saturday if the Emperor of Legoland does not overturn last year's ban on God.

The Minister for the Interior, Mr Devious the Nucleus, spoke to a selected audience in Legoland City today and called on minifigs of all traditions to "unite against religion". "Religion is the curse of minifigs", he explained, adding that "figs without religion are happier figs and don't have to go to churchs synagogues, mosques and other boring places like these".

Meanwhile, abroad, the People's Brikpublic of Rulandistin (PBR) released an official statement condemning the kidnapping of the soldiers and offering support in the fight against Al-Kyeda. The PBR ambassador to Legoland, Curious Localus, said he condemned the attack and kidnapping of the "two valiant soldiers". He went on to state, PBR's private military contractors, BlackBrik, were on high alert and investigating whether or not Al-Kyeda members may be plotting attacks on PBR due to its strong diplomatic relations with Legoland. "We also support all actions by Emperor David and the country of Legoland to bring Al-Kyeda to justice by any means possible", he was quoted as saying. Questioned further, Curious denied reports that BlackBrik could be deployed to assist Legoland if need be, saying, ""Blackbrik is a PMC, we cannot control who they deal with or where they go".